As a blogger, I (Alayna) struggle sometimes wondering why anyone would ever want to read what I write. There are so many bloggers out in the blogosphere and I don't feel as though I am as (insert adjective here) as most of them. Not as deep and poignant as this blogger, not as funny and witty as that one, not as holy and wise as that chick, and not as heartfelt and raw as that other blogger. I'm not fishing for compliments, but, instead, letting you in on one of my biggest insecurities. I am intimidated by other bloggers. I'm insecure about what I have to say. Sometimes, I'm scared to write. Scared that it won't be received well, or won't be received at all. That no one will see what I write, no one will care, and no one will be moved and changed. Even blogging for Deliberate Women, talk about intimidating, right?!? I'm not Beth Moore or Elizabeth George or Joni Eareckson Tada. What do I know about God? How can I show someone the way of Jesus? Who am I?
Do you catch my drift? Perhaps you are a parent, or a step parent, and you worry about being heard by your teenager, worry that what you say is just noise amongst all the other voices in their lives. Or do you compare yourself to every other mommy out there, worried that you aren't a very good parent. And maybe you should just start a fund for your child's therapy now. Or do you fear never finding a soul mate? Maybe you aren't sure that you will be received well, or you are fearful of what someone would do if they knew the real you. Insecurities. Most of us have these areas of our lives where we lack confidence and doubt ourselves. For me, it happens to be blogging and parenting and how I look, and well, I guess I should probably stop there, but I could probably keep going.
I know it shouldn't matter to me if someone's blog is better than mine. Or how many blog views or comments or followers I have. Or whether people like my writing. Or whether I ever get a book deal. Or whether I'm a popular blogger. In fact, there will be times that people flat out hate me and what I have to say - because I follow Jesus. Jesus says in John 15:18 that, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." Whew, tough words for an insecure person to take. But as a woman who follows Jesus, I know this life is not really about me, or my blog. It's about Jesus.
If this life is all about Jesus, then the point of me blogging is not to make everyone like me or to set the blogosphere ablaze with how amazing my writing is. (Hint of sarcasm...) Just like the point of your parenting or barista-ing or singing is not to be the coolest, the best, or to be the nicest sounding. If you follow Jesus, the point is to glorify God, and to lead others to know Jesus and glorify Him. If I'm seeking after readership, blog hits, and followers, I'm missing the point.
So if God wants me to blog to glorify Him, who am I to be filled with self doubt? Who am I to be lacking confidence? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? (Romans 8:31) Sometimes the one against us, is well, us. Thankfully God is strong where we are weak. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. When we lack confidence, even in things God has gifted us with, it's a weakness. But never fear, when I am weak in my own humanness, I am strong in God. As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12-9-10:
"But (Jesus) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I want my life to count. I want my life to mean something. I want my life to be spent glorifying God. I don't want to be paralyzed by my insecurities. I don't want to compare myself to everyone else and wallow in my self pity. I want to overcome, and do what God asks. And in the end, I want to hear the Lord say, "Well done, good and faithful servant", and to know that like John the Baptist, I decreased so that He could increase.
Am I inadequate? Maybe, but that's not the point. There will always be someone more (insert adjective here) than me. Always. Am I insecure? Sometimes. But my security (or insecurity) shouldn't come from blog hits and page counts any way, because my security, worth and significance comes from God. When I point others to God, and seek to glorify Him with my own life, what could be more significant than that?
Some questions to think about: Do you struggle with feelings of being inadequate? Struggle with insecurities even in what God has called you to do? Do you believe that He will supply where you lack?
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